Internet Horror Story
by Marveljew
Summary: This is an anthology of creepypasta parodies. The chapter titles are the same as the titles of the original work they are spoofing.
1. Smile Dog

I first met Mary E. in person it was June 16th 2007 at 9:14 am. The temperature was 78 degrees, and the moon was still setting. I was taking a creative writing course. We were given the assignment to write a new story on a topic of our choice. My classmates chose boring things like the divided opinions on the war on terror, advances in medicine saving people's lives or hurricanes destroying cities. However, I decided to instead talk about something interesting: the Smile JPG.

The Smile JPG is a mysterious JPEG image that appeared on the internet. According to legend, the image was of a dog smiling (creatively nicknamed Smile Dog) and a human hand beckoning to it. However, the image soon disappeared from the internet! Really think about that. You can find the episodes of that terrible M. C. Hammer cartoon barely anyone remember... but not this image?! The image was allegedly posted on a The Onion forum and was viewed by 400 users before being removed for having nothing to do with topic at hand. Only one person admitted to seeing the image: Mary E.

Mary E. was an administrator for the site. I managed to contact her husband, Terrance, and arrange a meeting. When I got there, she was weeping.

"It's horrible," she cried. I asked her what was so horrible. I suspected it was involved the Smile image.

"It's not the image itself but what it does to you."

"What does it do?" I asked.

"At first, it seems to do nothing. I brushed it off after I first saw it. But everything changed when I went to sleep that night. The dream was so realistic. More realistic than any dream I ever had before. In my dream, the Smile Dog appeared. It told me to 'Spread the Word' in a demonic voice. But, the worse part was what happened after!"

"What?"

"He just stared at me awkwardly until I woke up. The sheer awkwardness was unbearable. The next day, I got a package. It had a floppy disk on it. Despite my husband telling me it was the computer game I ordered, I knew what was on that disk and burned it. I've had that nightmare every night since then."

That was the last time I met Mary E. She killed herself today. The sheer awkwardness of that dog was far too much for her to bear.

As I sit here writing this. one thought nags me: should I go to the funeral? It's really hot out and and I would have to wear a suit and meet the grieving family. It would be sweaty and awkward.


	2. Papercuts

_Author's Note: There are two versions of_ "Papercuts (Aka the Failed Human Experiments)" _: the original and the revised version. I am making fun of the original since it was the one I knew about when writing this. Sorry for any confusion this might have caused._

It all began my friend, Mickey, and I were listening to the radio. The reporter said girl named "Rosie Saxxon", whose parents were friends of Mickey's, went missing. I was shocked! I didn't know "Saxxon" was an actual surname. Even now, my word processor doesn't recognize it. Anyway, we visited Rosie's parents who were sad and stuff. Then, we decided to visit my other friend Larry. Larry said he was working on some project that he didn't want to tell us about. Mickey and I went home.

However the next day, Mickey was missing! Next to his bed, the word "PAPERCUTS [sic]" was written in what I am sure was red ink. So, I went to my other friend Tommy's house. But, he was missing! So, I went to my other, other friend Katie's house. But, she was missing! So, I went to my other, other, other friend Nick's house. But, he was missing! This cycle continued until I decided to go to Larry's house. After all, seventeenth time is the charm.

Larry acting oddly. He had a sinister look on his face. Larry kept on peppering our conversation with manically laughter and murmuring things like "He'll make a good test subject", "The time is approaching" and "paper cuts". Seeing nothing worrisome, I went home.

I woke up in some sort of lab-like environment. It looked like a lab. It was designed like a lab. It was probably used as a lab. However, IT WAS NOT A LAB! Anyway, I was strapped to an operating table. Then, I saw my friends. However, they were tied up and were bleeding to death. This made my stomach churn. The sanitation here was atrocious! Seriously, imagine the stains that blood would leave.

Then, I saw a figure. It was a tall man in a white lab coat. It was Larry! I shocked. Who could have predicted that such as a kind and innocent seeming soul like Larry would be the mastermind behind this all?

"See those over there?" he asked, "Those are my failed, human experiments!"

Then, he horrifyingly pulled out construction paper. The sight of it chilled my blood. He, then approached me.

"What are you doing?"

"Experimenting with paper cuts!"

"Wow, that is stupid," I said, "You have been killing people with paper cuts? I was expecting some more scary like rusty nails or Neil Patrick Harris."

"IT'S NOT STUPID," he shouted. Larry, then grabbed my neck and unstrapped me. He proceeded to pull a gun. I punched him in the gut. This allowed me to grab the gun. So, I did the most obvious thing to do: pistol whip him repeatedly until he died.

I took my friends to ER. We managed to get to there just in time those cuts were going to get infected! We told the authorities all about what happened. They investigated the lab-like environment and discovered Rosie, who had died from paper cuts.

However, the true horror had not ended. After we returned home, Mickey asked to borrow my tooth paste. I did so. However, this toothpaste ending up killing him! Well to be more accurate, his head crashing the title floor is what killed him but he wouldn't have been falling if he didn't slipped on that toothpaste! This has haunted me to this very day. As such, I implore you to help me in my campaign to ban paper and toothpaste!


	3. The Day Ben Came

Our story begins long ago in the ancient year of 2000 AD. I was living in an apartment with my friend Eric. Before you mention it, I totally do not have a thing for Eric. It is really common for two men to share an apartment and, if one happens to see the other in the shower, stare at those fine abs... wait, where was I? Oh, yeah the story. Eric was a huge fan of _The Legend of Zelda_ series. The newest game, _Majora's Mask_ , had just been released and Eric was pumped for it. He told me he was going to drive to our local game store, so I decided to accompany him to see if I could get a deal on some used games.

On the way there, Eric took a short cut by driving through a suburb. While we driving, a little boy ran into the street. Eric, seeing the kid, slammed on the breaks. Unfortunately, he was too slow. I got out the car and rushed out towards the body. An elderly man watched from his porch.

"Oh my f**king god!" I scream, "We just ran over a kid!"

"Oh well," the old man said, "By the way, do you want a used copy of _Majora's Mask_?"

"How do you have a used copy?" asked Eric.

"This kid is f**king dying over here!" I shouted, "We need to call an ambulance!"

"Well, the fate of this game is more important," replied the old man.

"Sure, we'll like a copy," said Eric.

Suddenly, the kid sprung to his feet. While the large gash in his chest was still bleeding, he walked up to Eric and handed Eric a copy of the game that was in his pocket. The kid proceeded to skip away with the old man following behind him. I stood dumbfounded at what I just saw.

"Well, we got the game," Eric said.

"Did you just see that?" I asked.

"What?"

"That kid just got up after a car hit him. He proceeded to give you his inexplicably intact game then walked off as if nothing happened."

"I saw that. So what?"

"What happened here was a miracle, and I want you to f**king acknowledge it!"

"Okay," Eric replied snidely, "It was miracle. Now, let's go home and play the game."

We returned to the apartment. I was still reeling from what had happened. Eric, on the other hand, almost immediately plugged in the game. I watched Eric play. There was already a save file on the game (labeled "BEN"). Out of curiosity, he decided to use it.

Although the game seemed to work fine, I noticed some things seemed off. The default shield had a different design and color scheme that made it resemble the Finnish flag. The music seemed to be ripped from somewhere else (I would later discover the music was actually Finnish folk songs).

I told him it was time to go to bed as I placed my hand on his smooth bicep. He turned his beautiful head and gazed at me with those sparkling emerald eyes. Then with a voice that would have made the sirens of ancient myth jealous, he said:

"'kay."

That night, I had a strange dream. I was in a grassy field. The only other person was a small, green clad elf boy with eyes entirely black sans the red pupils. The boy was chasing me with clear malevolent intent in his inhuman eyes.

"Hello", he said with a Finnish accent.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I am BEN."

"Huh, that isn't a really scary named for a creepy, black eyed kid."

"Shut up. Anyway, I am demonic entity bound to the cartridge. I intend on manipulating you and your buddy Eric into freeing me!"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Look, I'm the villain. As such, I have to make a big speech about my evil plan."

"So, what are you planning on doing when you are freed?"

"I intend to reshape the world to my will. I will change everything about the world: its people, its food, its values, its government and so on. And I will change so it will be like Finland."

"So, your goal is turn the entire world into Finland."

"Yep."

There was an awkward silence that followed.

"So," asked BEN breaking the silence, "Are you and Eric a couple..."

I proceeded to knee BEN in the crotch. This caused BEN to vanish and me to wake up. I heard Eric wake up as well. He rushed into my room.

"I had a horrible dream!" Eric said "I dream that a creepy version of Link, called 'BEN' came to me and told me..."

"I know I had the same dream," I replied.

"Are we a couple?"

This caused me to enter an unstoppable fit of rage... or it would be if I actually managed work out. As such, my rampage largely consisted of knocking over a few chair and throwing the game out a window. My rampage ended after I needed to catch my breath. Afterward, BEN never returned and made me question my sexuality. So all in all, I consider this a happy ending.


End file.
